Vielleicht, ich habe zu viel lernen, oder habe ich zu viel Stress. Jetzt habe ich gar nichts selbst Glaube.

I finally told my parents everything today. The load that I have been carrying since the middle of the term, with no one to rant at, no one to confide in finally emerged in torrents over lunch. It wasn’t so much an argument as it was a mono directional rant with me silencing their every response with further ripostes.

Guess what, they responded exactly as I had expected they would, the very response that would do so little to comfort me and take such a toll on my already shredded self-esteem. No matter that they unquestionably mean the best for me, love me and only have the very best of intentions. They still do not understand that I am different from them. They are mature, reasonably successful and content with their achievements while I am a miserable young man who should be brimming with all the energy and brilliance of youth, but who instead is a reflection of failure the ultimate pin-up boy of the famed miserable existence.

My parents simply don’t understand. It’s not easy being seventeen and already realising and understanding that your whole life has been dictated and laid out for you. The long road of life laid bare, with all side roads and alternative avenues closed off the moment the first few months of JC life are over. I am destined to fail, predisposed with all the ideal qualities of a loser, and that is how my life will be.

Ich brauche ein Freund, jemand dass wirklich versteht. Ich habe kein Freund, dass kann wirklich hoeren. Nicht mein Eltern oder mein nicht existent Geschwister.
Manchmal, ich wirklich denke dass Sterben ist besser als Leben.