During the blissful month I spent lost in the countryside in Germany, each day I was greeted by a pristine clear blue sky streaked with the faint yet distinct wisps left behind by passing airliners.

I dream, I desire, I seek, I long for jet trails. Faint, seemingly distinct and tangible, yet should one ever find the means to touch, the image falls through like grasping at straws. So clear and apparent, yet still so unfathomably distant and unattainable.

I’m beginning to understand why the last few months have been so terrible for me. Inefficient, lost, moody and outright depressing. Everyday I lie awake in my bed, mulling, dreaming, longing, lingering on the long lost, the out of reach, the intangible – the jet trails of the many lost opportunities.

I know it has been two months, I am well aware of it! Still, no amount of self-restraint and motivation seems to work. Distraction has it’s applications, say I’m buried in a game, or math, or housework, I leave my worries behind me, but it is only ever a reprieve. Once things are quiet, when I’m alone, mulling, thinking, dreaming, I begin to linger, to indulge myself with what might have been. How can this be healthy? It never has been, never is and never will be, something I do not deny. Yet I refuse to come to terms with anything. The more I mull, the more it seemed like the fates were united against me, dealing me one blow after another. Luring me in too deep, leaving me with inprobably high expectations of myself which I should have known would not be attainable. No doubt some of it might be of my own doing, but I am tempted to just yield to the endless assault, to throw up my arms in surrender, to just give in.

I need help. By nature I am a passive individual, an introvert, a loner, a muller with not a soul to pour my soul out too. My parents, despite the obviously good intent, never fail to paper over the “simple setbacks” (at least in their opinion) and I have no siblings to turn to. I need help.

Or I might just stay forever, clinging to jet trails. Who knows, one day I might even take them for something tangible and plunge straight in, only to find…

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