Who I am, who I want to be.
- January 27th, 2008
- Posted in Personal
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Expectations
Juggling them all can be a torture. Your own aspirations, what your parents see in you and even how high your friends hold you in their regard.
When 2008 came around, the slate was wiped clean. I resolved to change, to reinvent myself, to be a different person. I wanted to be someone active, someone involved, someone prominent. I wanted to make a change rather than be my usual self- cold, boring and unmotivated. I threw down the gauntlet and committed myself to the challenge of clearing it and the road has been smooth until…
My parents came into the picture.
Throughout my four years of secondary schooling, I had endured their droning on how I was not good enough. It didn’t help that I had my strong subjects and was an avid photographer. I was not active, was not working hard enough for Chinese, should not be finding Mathematics such a chore… Why do you think I made the resolution? Why do you think I decided to reinvent myself? To prove them wrong of course!
So what do they do when I make that change? They find something else to criticise. They tell me I’m staying out way too late, I’m never home to help out and that I’m neglecting my schoolwork for being active. Well, obviously devoting more of my attention to something would result in sacrifices in other aspects. I am human after all!
What is it about parents that see them change their tune every chance they get. Do they derive satisfaction from driving us around in circles, picking up something new to harp on as they go along?
Is there any sanity to this visceral madness, or is it simply a big hint somewhat lacking in subtlety that this life is not meant for me, that I should just return to the person I was and not try to be someone I am not?
Is anyone else sharing my suffering, can anyone point me in the right direction? Anybody?
Similar Posts:
- Getting a grip – December 8, 2008
- This week in twitter (2009-11-16) – November 16, 2009
- Welcome to Wunderglaube – January 23, 2009
A few thoughts -
It’s quite natural to think of parents as control freaks and nitpicking scum, because they really CAN seem so at times. Goodness knows how many times my parents have jabbed my anger button for the most banal of reasons…
I used to detest them for it. For their stupidity and lack of understanding. But looking deeper, all our parents wish and pray for every single night is for us to be the best that we can be. And being educated in the period where respect, advice and discipline were the three core pillars of cultivating character, it’s actually quite understandable that the folks’ methods of expressing their hopes and love might be a little… bitchy by today’s standards.
I’m not suggesting that you ignore it or be the good little conformist. What i AM suggesting is that you might consider what’s really going on in their minds, the intent beneath the actions, the motivation behind the methods. Do they really want to give you grief? Or are they, unable to offer empathy and support due to their generation’s stereotypes, trying their best to help you in the best ways they know?
With that in mind, take the initiative – have a talk with your parents? Write a letter. Give them a photograph. Plan a picnic perhaps? Get to know them better and let them know what you’re really feeling. Allow them to realize and try to help with the hurt they’re causing before you decide to hurt them too.
Your posts also seem to speak of a healthy search for self improvement. That in itself is rather respectable – most people couldn’t be bothered about striving for personal development. However, do ask yourself, exactly why are you even on this journey? What does it mean to you? Who are you doing this for?
I’m on this road too – a quest for the best and the truth in my life, which has already led me to photography (expression), conditioning (hone my body into it’s full functional capacity), Christianity (experience the love of God) and numerous other experiences that are really too long for this post.
I do this not for transient, temporary fads such as social status or whatever. I do this not to prove to anyone anything. I do it not for others, except perhaps God, though I surely don’t expect anyone else to.
I do this for myself. I improve because it’s what I want to become. Because it’s what matters to me, because of all that I hold dear and cherish.
It’s good to change yourself for whatever you feel is the better. There’s really nothing wrong in trying to be a “someone you’re not” if you’re doing it to develop into a better person. But if at any point you realize “hey, this isn’t what I truly want to be!”, go find a new direction. Question your motives, fine tune your strategies, ask for advice. Find what’s wrong and fix it.
And when you’ve finally decided on what you wish for and how you’re going to achieve it, GO FOR IT! The only reason for looking back is to learn from your mistakes.
Here’s to being the best man you can be. And may God bless your journey.
Regards.